What is a Slave without a Master? Ch. 13

Alex had forgotten to check what time she had left the ship, but as she quickly strode back through the hallways beneath the hanger with dinner in hand, she hoped it hadn't been too agonizingly long. Her conflicted thoughts were so preoccupied by her passenger, that as she stepped into the Peregrine's hanger she almost missed the maintenance worker trying to flag her down.

"Your ship's refueled, water and oxygen tanks topped up. Sanitary drained. That escape pod and scan data transferred over to S&R. I just need your signature on the invoice Commander," he said disinterestedly as he finally grabbed her attention. Alex glanced at the display he was holding out, scanning over the bill.

"Jesus, I didn't realize I had used that much water," she muttered. "But whatever, is what it is," she added as she awkwardly shifted dinner into a single hand before signing across the display and transferring the credits over to the harbour authority.

"Do you intend to depart immediately?" the man asked, turning the display back towards himself and tapping away on it.

"Nah I was planning on spending the night. It's... been a hell of a few days," Alex replied tiredly, the words an enormous understatement. The man's eyes caught the bottle of liquor poking out of Alex's jacket pocket before letting out a polite laugh. Alex didn't reciprocate, causing the man to give an awkward cough before continuing.

"Well, you know to get in touch with flight control when you're ready to leave, Commander. And if there's nothing else you take care of yourself," the man offered before making his way towards the hanger exit.

As Alex entered her ship, she once again noticed how it felt just as empty as when she was travelling alone. She knew the phrase 'seen and not heard', but Eta had an uncanny ability to make it so the woman seemed to be neither. Alex cast her eyes around the kitchen, but her passenger wasn't there as she had been the last two times the Commander had returned to the ship.

"Eta? Where are you?" Alex called out, feeling a twinge of irrational worry that her passenger might have made her way to the Search and Rescue office on her own. But it was replaced with embarrassed relief as a very faint reply came from across the corridor.

"I'm in your bedroom, Alex."

"Sorry for leaving you alone again. I hope it wasn't too boring...." Alex's voice trailing off as she stepped through the door.

Eta was sitting on the floor again, leaning back against the wall next to the open locker containing her belongings. In her hands she once again held her diary, but she didn't seem to be reading it, instead just staring at the cover. She also wasn't dressed in her usual uniform, instead she had only a towel wrapped around herself, from below her arms down to mid-thigh. But the thing that seized Alex's entire attention was that both of Eta's bare forearms were covered in angry dark bruises.

"Jesus Christ, what happened?!" exclaimed Alex in concern as she quickly dropped the two large flat boxes of food and the liquor on the bed before crouching down.

"Eta, what happened to your arms?" she had to ask again before the woman replied.

"I... got thrown around inside my pod before you rescued me. I think these were from trying to cover my head," came the quiet reply.

"But that was yesterday, why didn't you tell me before?" Alex asked with concern.

"I didn't want to bother you... but.. yes I should have said something."

"Do they hurt?"

"Only when I press on them."

"Well then don't. Do. That," Alex stressed gently as she also noticed similar bruising on the woman's knees. She was thankful all the time the woman had spent kneeling had been in zero gravity.

"Hang on, I have some cream for this kind of thing," she said softly as she rose to her feet. "Don't you dare turn it down."

"I... won't. Thank you... Alex."

Alex froze as she was halfway to the door, looking back over her shoulder in surprise.

"Did you... just call me Alex?" she asked, not sure if she had misheard.

"I... did.... Is that alright? You said you liked it when I... opened up, so... I'm trying," was the very small sounding reply.

"That is more than alright. Fuck yeah, I'm proud of you," Alex said with a confused grin before ducking out of the room. When she returned a moment later she quickly lowered herself back down next to Eta: a small plastic tube in her hand. She unscrewed the cap as she nodded gently towards her passenger.

"Okay, give me your hand," she instructed softly, and Eta obediently did so.

"Don't know if you've used this brand, but it'll feel cold at first. Then it'll soak into the skin within a minute or so and help with the pain. We can reapply later if needed," she said simply as she laid a line of cream down the length of her passenger's forearm and gently rubbed it in: careful to put as little pressure as possible over the bruises.

Eta tensed slightly but gave a grateful nod.

"Okay, other hand," Alex said. Eta obliged, allowing the process to repeat across the other arm and both her knees.

"Were there other spots?" Alex asked gently when that was done.

"One of my hips was... similar. But you don't have to... address that," Eta said, tentatively extending a hand face up towards Alex. "I can take care it."

Alex chuckled before laying a dollop on the woman's palm, before Eta slipped the hand underneath her towel. She let out a long breath when she was finished, retaking hold of her book with both hands in her lap.

"Thank you... Alex."

"You're welcome," Alex said simply, but she couldn't help examining her passenger with a puzzled expression.

"Ever since the Tula you've been talking more openly, you just accepted help without complaint, you're calling me Alex. What's going on?" she asked softly. After a moment Eta opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She hesitated before trying again, but the result was the same.

Alex gently reached over, taking one of Eta's hands in hers. She pressed the pad of her thumb against the inside of the woman's wrist and felt her heart pounding. She released her grip and wrapped a protective arm around the woman's shoulders.

"You don't have to answer. It's okay. I brought food. We can just eat," she offered, but after another moment Eta did speak.

"Do you... remember how I said this book was where I wrote all the things I couldn't say?" she finally managed, her body starting to shake.

"Yeah...." said Alex slowly.

Eta said nothing, and didn't meet Alex's gaze as she nervously offered the book over. Alex stared at it in surprise.

"You want me to read this?" she asked dumbfounded. Eta nodded. Alex briefly hesitated before carefully taking the diary, only then did she notice something stuck between the pages.

"Is this a bookmark?"

Eta nodded again. Alex gently opened the pages and looked inside, noting that the bookmark was the carefully flattened out wrapper from the dehydrated fruit. But turning her attention to the actual words: it looked like Eta had spent several pages writing variants of the same thing, with different sections crossed out and reworked. As if she was trying to perfect whatever it was she was trying to say. But at the end she had finished a complete copy of the letter, beginning with 'Dear Miss Alex.'

"Do you want me to read this out loud or silently?" Alex asked gently, her voice as calm and respectful as she could make it.

"Silently please," came the surprisingly quick answer. "I agonized so much over writing it I don't think I could stand hearing it read," Eta stammered as she slowly hugged her knees to her chest. Alex watched her passenger for a moment, a growing concern gnawing at her insides. But after a moment's pause, she once again reached out and put an arm around the woman as she laid the diary open on her lap.

"Dear Miss Alex.

You saved my life yesterday, and that is something I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you for. But in doing so, you have also given me something else, even if I took too long to realize it. You gave me a chance to reconsider many things.

When you asked me why I chose to remain a slave, I said the Empire provided me with a place where I was freed of all secondary obligations and was allowed to commit my full focus towards what was in front of me. That was something I desperately both wanted and needed. However, when discussing it, there were aspects of slavery that I omitted. Aspects that while perhaps not ideal, I accepted as the price I needed to pay. Such as the fact I was never permitted to see the wider galaxy through which the ships I worked on flew. Such as how much of my expression and personality I needed to keep behind a mask to align with Imperial expectations. And how I was only ever asked to serve, and after our time with the Tula's Wing I am now learning how much warmer it feels to give aid rather than simply service.

Although perhaps most significantly: being treated as a slave. I want to be clear: I was not treated poorly. However, my treatment always reflected the fact I was undeniably beneath others. Although this point becomes muddled as some parts of this treatment I genuinely enjoy, while others I do not.

I apologize I kept these things from you, but the reason I feel compelled to list them now is I have realized that in the short time you have allowed me to remain aboard your ship you have begun to address all of them. And I believe you did so without intending to, and absolutely without needing to.

From the very moment you found me, you have treated me with a level of kindness, that while I struggle to fully accept, I only now realize was lacking within the Empire. And you have done more than just treat me well. I have seen you make compromises to allow me to stay within my comfort while still providing me a level of care I insisted I did not deserve.

Last night you worried that I wished to return to the Empire because I didn't know there were alternatives. And while returning to the Empire would not be a bad life, you are correct that I did not consider what else there may be. Although, this morning you were also correct when you said many of those alternatives would not get me what I truly wanted.

Because I still want to belong to someone else, to have a Master or a Mistress who I can serve and who takes care of me. As I said last night, I have learned I am happiest when I am owned. I enjoyed my life with the Empire because I received that. But I am only now seriously considering what it would be like to be owned by someone who treated me with more warmth than the Empire: who permitted me more of what was forbidden to me. Not someone who would grant me more freedom, because I do not want to be free. I still want the safety that comes from being kept in a figurative cage, only perhaps a slightly larger and kinder one than before.

Even considering such a thing terrifies me. Both because I cannot help but fear I do not deserve it, but also that I know just how deeply inappropriate and unacceptable it is to even voice. However with my return to the Empire looming, I have realized I cannot ignore this possibility any longer. And so I must ask for something I know I cannot afford, and something I know I have no right to request.

Miss Alex Turner, will you be my Mistress and allow me to belong to you? I beg you to take me with you wherever in the galaxy you want to go.

I want to be your companion, your friend, and your on-board Engineering Technician. I want to be more than a slave to you if you would allow it. But all those things while still kneeling at your side. I want to continue to receive your kindness, while being at your beck and call. Because I don't want to be pilot of my own life. I want that to be you.

I cannot help feel that it is selfish of me to speak so much about what I want, but I am doing so regardless because I hope it makes clear why I am asking this. I know of your feelings regarding slavery, and I do not think your anger is misplaced. However I can only beg you to believe me when I say I ask for this because I genuinely want it.

I understand the magnitude of what I am asking for. I understand the burden and expense I would be placing upon you if you were to accept. However if you would have me I would do everything within my power to serve you and your ship to the very best of my abilities.

There have been hints that give me hope this is something you'd do me the honour of considering, and if this is the case then I know what would need to be done to ensure you are not taking on the risk of keeping a missing or presumed dead slave. If it is not, then I can only beg your forgiveness for this deeply inappropriate letter. I will go to the Search and Rescue office immediately, and you need not spend any more time or thought on me.

Regardless of your decision, I thank you for everything that you have done for me.

Hopefully yours, Eta/ET4H2-5C"

Alex stared down at the page in disbelief: desperately trying to ignore the burning sensation across her cheeks. She scanned over the letter a few more times as her dumbfounded brain tried to take it all in. But very slowly she raised her head, turning to face the woman next to her. Eta was curled up into a tight ball under Alex's arm, her body completely rigid and unmoving. The Commander had to watch for several seconds to confirm her passenger was even breathing.

"I.........." Alex began, her mind both racing and frozen at the same time.

"My brain... is currently short circuiting. Please stand by," she managed to say after a long moment, her voice completely on autopilot. Eta began to tremble against her.

"I can only beg your forgiveness. I... know... that I have no right to ask anything of you. If you want me gone.... You need only give the word and I promise I would hold no ill will towards you for it," Eta whispered in a fearful voice.

"...and I... should get dressed so I am ready to leave if needed," she added solemnly as she began to rise to her feet. But she had barely moved before Alex lunged forward and wrapped her arms firmly around her passenger's shoulders from behind. She pulled Eta back up against her chest, inadvertently pinning the woman's upper arms to her sides in a tight embrace.

Eta left out a quick yelp of surprise as she found herself almost sitting in Alex's lap, but she made no move to free herself.

"Oi... get that skinny butt of yours back here. Me struggling to put together a coherent answer is not the same thing as 'get the hell off my ship'," Alex said sternly, her voice originating from somewhere near the nape of Eta's neck.

"You... had a head start on putting your thoughts into words and I'm still trying to catch up. You've got to give me a minute."

Eta sat frozen for a long moment before managing a shaky nod. Alex's grip around her loosened, much to the woman's disappointment.

"Also, why are you only wearing a towel?" Alex asked after a moment. "And yes... I am stalling for time so I can unscramble my head."

"I...." Eta murmured, blushing. "I knew... you'd want to know about my bruises. But... I didn't know how to tell you. So... I thought... perhaps I should simply... show you."

Alex gently shifted her passenger back onto the floor next to her as she studied the woman's face with an impressed expression.

"You're right, I would have wanted to know," she said, resisting the urge to be more quippy.

"So thank you for being willing to show me," she added before letting out a long breath. Her mind was still a chaotic mix of thoughts and feelings, and a low level heat in her gut she was desperately trying to ignore. It all blurred together into a confusing mess that Alex knew wasn't going to settle on its own anytime soon.

"First of all," she finally began, not wanting the silence to linger despite not still having her thoughts in order.

"That took some balls to write. I'm proud of you for straight up asking for what you wanted. So... thank you for telling me. And as for an answer... I... Like that was a hell of an offer, but I just...." she strained, trying to put her conflict into words. But as she trailed off, she watched Eta's face drop. The woman seemed to slowly deflate before her eyes.

"You are more than justified in being angry at me..." Eta whispered fearfully. "If you have any reason to want me gone, I will go..."

"No. Stop it!" Alex snapped, leaning forward and ready to tackle her passenger again, but Eta made no sign of moving.

"I swear I'm not angry at you. I didn't mean it like that... I'm sorry," Alex insisted, desperately trying to put her thoughts together. "I've liked having you around."

Eta's eyes shot open wide with memories of what she had heard in the shower as Alex continued.

"You've been a good travel buddy, not to mention the huge help you were with the interdiction and the Tula. It's just...." the woman stumbled, desperately trying to articulate something.

"I'm worried because I don't want to be taking advantage of you here. If you don't want to go back to the Empire, I fully support that, fuck yeah! But that doesn't mean the only other option is handing yourself to the first... and I guess only person you've met since leaving," Alex stressed awkwardly. But once again Eta began to slump in on herself, sinking into hopelessness.

"If you do not want me... please just say so," she whispered weakly. But Alex lunged out again, wrapping her arms tightly around her passenger and pulling Eta's limp body back up against her chest, the woman's head resting on her shoulder.

"Eta, please... I... ah god damnit. I'm trying to figure out a way to say this without it being awkward as fuck, but me stalling is just making you look like you want to die. So all aboard the awkward express, here we go," she managed as she let out a long breath of embarrassment.

"Eta.... I do want you. The problem is I want too much of you," she admitted, feeling the woman's body stiffen with confusion.

"You asked today if I had a partner come with me," she continued. "And I said it wouldn't be fair to ask anyone to join because I love having control over my own life. So if someone were to tag along they'd just have to come for the ride while I bounced around because I don't want to share the stick. And it'd be hard for someone to have their own life if they're stuck with that. At the time I couldn't be a hundred percent sure why you were asking, but I guess I am now."

Eta managed a tentative nod.

"And I don't want to share the stick because..." Alex explained, beginning to blush. "I know I can be... bossy... and commanding," she admitted sheepishly, thinking back over all the times she had off-handedly told her passenger what to do, or simply grabbed the woman's hand and led her somewhere.

"And like... I'm not going to pretend I don't enjoy that. And...... god this sounds wild to say but... if you genuinely want me to order you around, and would be happy just coming along for the ride and giving me power over you... that would be... really fun."

"And I'm super stoked to hear you say you'd want to be more than a slave. Because yeah I'd get a kick out of you doing what I say, but I don't want a slave. I don't want a mindless servant. I don't want some meek little thing that has nothing of her own..." she stated, closing her eyes and knowing she couldn't stall any longer. Eta held her breath as she trembled slightly. Everything Alex was saying sounded so perfect, she dreaded whatever could be coming to spoil it.

"But here's the problem...." Alex struggled. "uggg there's no clean way to fuckin' say this, god damnit. Look! Yes I'd enjoy having you around and giving you orders. But I'd enjoy it.... because it's a massive turn on!"

Eta blinked in surprise as she tried to understand how that was a bad thing before Alex continued.

"You kneeling next to me, huge turn on. Pretty girl wanting me to boss her around, huge turn on. You deciding to have this conversation while only wearing a towel! Huge turn on," Alex listed off, her face red.