You’ve all heard the familiar saying, “love conquers all.”
Well, that may be true in the worlds of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, but in our world, the unfortunate reality is that love isn’t always going to be enough to get you through the really tough spots in a relationship.
Have you ever heard the saying that “a wedding is an event but a marriage is an achievement?” The point is that while love might be enough to spur you to get married in the first place, it’s not always enough to hold the whole structure together.
There are so many factors involved in creating a good partnership, and not all of them are sweet and romantic.
Sometimes love doesn’t conquer all. There are so many factors that can affect a marriage: sexual problems, infidelity, addiction, jealousy, money, lack of understanding, and many more. Granted, love is an essential element to a healthy relationship, but it isn’t sufficient to sustain a fulfilling partnership. Other factors are needed and should be present in the relationship to help us cope with life’s challenges. It is these other factors that need to be cultivated regularly and consistently to maintain a good relationship.
These factors include:
Effective communication: This is probably the most common reason couples seek out counselling—to help them better communicate. You can love your partner deeply, but if your communication isn’t clear and honest, it can foster misunderstandings and resentments. This also involves resolving conflict in a respectful manner. Working on this aspect of your relationship is crucial.
Mutual trust, respect and support: Without these essential aspects of a relationship, love with wither away and eventually die. Trust involves honesty and reliability. Mutual respect is all about compassion, appreciation, validation, and respect of each other’s boundaries and independence.
Shared values and goals: Having common goals for the future and working as a team is critical to a healthy relationship. Remember, there is no “I” in team.
Putting in the work: It’s not enough to say “I do” as your commitment to marriage. It’s more apt to say, “I vow to work on our relationship continuously.” This means always prioritizing the couple (even after you have kids), compromising, and making sacrifices.
Independence and interdependence: In a healthy relationship, there is a good balance between both. When we marry, we do not become “one.” Instead, we are two individuals that intersect, each maintaining our individual selves (our activities, friends, etc.). The intersection is the things we share as a team and we are interdependent on each other rather than dependent. We can count on each other and we support each other’s autonomy.
Emotional and physical intimacy: It’s important to feel loved, connected, and desired. Touch and physical intimacy goes a long way to strengthening the bond between partners, and research clearly shows that this leads to more relationship satisfaction.
Bringing out the best in each other: Supporting each other’s growth by encouraging our partner’s passions, hobbies, endeavors, and self-improvement will also help grow the relationship.
In sum, love is a commitment to practice all of the above. This is what will make for a healthy and sustainable relationship. Unfortunately, these days, people give up on their relationship, often stating that they are no longer “in love.” The “in love” stage of a relationship is in the very beginning. For a relationship to last, love has to deepen and include commitment and effort. We will not always feel in love with our partner every minute of every day. Many things get in the way of that. However, committing to working on it always, is the path to a long lasting relationship. If you feel that your relationship is in a funk and you are having a hard time resolving issues, please seek professional help ASAP rather than waiting for it to miraculously get better. In my experience, by the time couples end up in my office, there has been a lot of water under the bridge and it becomes more difficult to overcome. So don’t wait! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, this is part of your commitment to working on your relationship.