Sometimes people in a relationship test each other to see how the other person reacts.
Why do they do this?
They do it because they’re looking for certain qualities in the other person and test them to see if they have these qualities. Some tests can be so important that whether the person passes the test may determine if the person doing the testing will continue with the relationship.
Susan and David went out for dinner. When the bill came, Susan offered to pay. David accepted and let Susan pay the bill.
“And now,” Susan says angrily, “He can’t understand why I won’t go out with him again.”
He didn’t pass her test. David thought he was doing the right thing. He didn’t understand that when Susan offered to pay, she was testing him to see if he would insist on paying. When a man pays for the date, it makes a woman feel special.
Jon picked up Lori for their first date and before he could say anything, she said, “I don’t know any places we can go.”
He knew this was a test to see if he had a plan to suggest for the date. He said, “I thought we could go to a nice café I know. They have good food and music. I think you’ll like it.”
“Sounds good.”
Jon thought, “I passed her test.”
Sometimes a person tests their partner to make sure they don’t have the negative qualities that were a problem in a previous relationship.
Ed’s previous partner was disrespectful to his family and friends and tried to isolate him from them. After Ed ended that relationship, he decided he would ensure at the beginning of a new relationship that he would not get into that kind of situation again.
Soon after he met Georgia, he invited her to go out for lunch with his family. She was surprised he wanted her to meet his family so early in the relationship but she went along.
Georgia was respectful. She told his parents a lot about herself and took an interest in listening to his parents tell stories about their own lives. She also offered to join Ed when he helped his parents with tasks at their home.
She passed the test.
A person wants to feel they can trust their partner. If they suspect their partner is not completely truthful, they may test them.
In a past relationship, Erica’s partner told her that he was a widower. She later found out that he actually had been divorced twice. She did not want another partner who lied about his past.
When Bob met Erica, he told her he was 42 years old. He later told her that he was 41 when he separated from his wife. Another time, he told her he had been separated for two years. Erica thought exaggerating how long he was separated could be a red flag that he would be untruthful to her about other things.
She said to him, “You said you were 41 when you separated, you’re now 42 and you’ve been separated for two years. It doesn’t add up.”
Bob replied, “It doesn’t add up because I should have said it’s almost two years. It will be two years in two months and my birthday is next week.”
He passed the test.
Sometimes a person may test their partner by being disrespectful to see if their partner has boundaries on how they will be treated.
Judy was criticizing Stan in front of other people to see if he would stand up for himself. She wanted him to stand up to her so she could feel he would stand up for her in challenging situations and make her feel safe and protected.
Stan told Judy, “I believe people should speak respectfully to each other and I’d appreciate if you didn’t talk to me that way again.”
Stan stood up for himself and passed her test but she may not have passed his. “People should be careful when testing a partner’s boundaries,” Stan said. “I can stand up for myself, but I may end a relationship because the person testing me didn’t pass my test of being respectful.”
These are some of the ways people test partners. There can be a lot more. A person should be alert to recognize when they are being tested and prepared to pass with flying colors.
Elliott Katz’s book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom for men on how to improve your relationship — which has been translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by taking charge more and being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how a woman can get a man to do his share of taking charge. To receive a free chapter from each of these two relationship advice books, email: ElliottRKatz@aol.com If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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