Regulating Emotions
Q: What do you do when you love your partner, but they have trouble regulating their emotions? I think I am a pretty chill person and handle the problems the world throws at me pretty well. I’ve had some terrible things and great things happen and generally understand that I have the strength to get through whatever happens. But whenever anything happens to my partner, they turn an anthill into a mountain. They totally melt down, and even when they recover, they spend weeks or months dwelling on whatever happened—be it family drama, problems at work, failing a class, not getting invited somewhere by a friend. Yes, these things all suck, but they’re not the end of the world. If I tell them that they need to get a grip, or even more gently just try and tell them to breathe and attempt to help them get through it, I’m accused of being patronizing. They go to a therapist, who apparently doesn’t see this as a problem. Is there a way to teach your own partner this kind of emotional intelligence, or will I have to put up with this indefinitely?
A: Emotional dysregulation refers to the difficulty in managing and responding to emotional experiences in an adaptive way. So you are spot on in your assessment. Your partner clearly feels overwhelmed by their emotions and thus reacts in a disproportionate manner to the situation at hand. People who have trouble with regulating emotions often feel emotions quite intensely, they have difficulty calming down, they tend to have more emotional outbursts, are more reactive, have mood swings and have difficulty handling stress.
Some factors that contribute to emotional dysregulation include brain differences (whereby the part of the brain responsible for processing and regulating emotions is underactive); a history of trauma; chronic stress. Also concerning are the psychological conditions often associated with emotional dysregulation like Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, anxiety, depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The best approach for dealing with this issue is obviously therapy (like Cognitive Behavioral therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy). In some cases, medications can help, especially if this is related to underlying depression or anxiety.
As for you and how to cope with your partner, it is important that you set healthy boundaries for yourself in order to protect your own well-being. So be clear with your partner about what behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Try giving your partner space to process their feelings. What you are experiencing is obviously emotionally taxing on you, which is why it is so important for you to have your own support network and self-care routines. If you feel your own mental health is being affected by your partner’s dysregulation, then it may be time for you to seek couples or individual therapy in order to better understand the dynamics of your relationship and help you develop strategies for better communication and coping.
Getting Ghosted
Q: I hate asking this question, but maybe it can help other people. If you’re in the early stages of dating someone, is there anything you can do when you feel them pulling away? There have been a few times where I liked someone but I could tell before it happened that they were going to dump or ghost me. It’s an awful feeling—like you’re in a car crash and you can’t stop it. (Okay, maybe not that bad). Is there any way to turn things around?
A: It’s certainly a crappy feeling to not have your affections returned. Liking someone who is not returning the same never feels good, yet it happens to all of us. You are not going to click with everyone you meet, nor is everyone going to click with you. You cannot force the issue, or simply “turn it around.” If, however, you are noticing a pattern (as in this happens almost every time you date), you may want to ask yourself if your own behavior is somehow pushing the person away. In this case, working with a dating coach might offer you some important insights.