“Hymen” is Greek for membrane. Hymen was also the Greek god of marriage. These two facts summarize the conventional wisdom about this tissue, that this fabled membrane covers the vagina, and is “pierced,” when women wed and lose their virginity.
For millennia, many cultures have believed that “breaking” the hymen caused pain, hence the belief that women experience—should experience—pain on first intercourse. Some cultures have also believed that if questions arose about a young woman’s virginity, an examination could determine whether she was or wasn’t. An intact hymen demonstrated virtue while anything else proved she’d already been deflowered. Many cultures have also believed that “piercing” the hymen caused bleeding. Shortly after weddings, new husbands were expected to produce bloody sheets to prove they’d married virgins and consummated the marriage.
All this misrepresents the hymen. Here’s the truth:
Female babies are born with membranes surrounding their vaginal openings. Most hymens are doughnut-shaped and open in the center. During childhood, most hymenal tissue wears away as a result of washing, walking, athletics, self-exploration, and masturbation, though little bits may remain (hymenal tags).
The hymen almost never covers the entire vagina. If it did, virgin girls could not menstruate. However, the opening may not look like a doughnut hole. In some women, bands of tissue extend from one side to the other like a ladder. In others, it resembles a honeycomb with many small openings. And in one in 200 girls, the hymen’s single opening is so small that fingers, tampons, and erections cannot enter comfortably or at all (imperforate hymen). For women with imperforate hymens, a simple surgical procedure snips away the tissue. But in most women, by adolescence, any remaining hymenal tissue offers no significant impediment to using tampons or enjoying pain-free intercourse.
If most women’s hymenal tissue has largely worn away by adolescence, why do so many women experience pain on first intercourse?
Pain on intercourse is a fairly common gynecological problem. It may be caused by many conditions. Some pain on first intercourse may have to do with medical issues.
Because of the mythology surrounding the hymen, many (most?) women expect first intercourse to hurt, which may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The expectation of pain causes anxiety, which can turn minor discomfort into pain.
According to the National Health and Social Life Survey (1994), about one-third of women recall not really wanting sex their first time, but doing it for other reasons: to shed virginity, to explore sex, to please lovers, or as a result of coercion or exploitation. Exploitive or assaultive sex can cause tremendous anxiety and produce or aggravate pain.
Even when women fully consent to first intercourse, an estimated “75 percent feel unprepared and find their initial sexual experience distasteful,” according to the late sex therapist Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D. “Young Romeos, even those who care deeply about their girlfriends, typically lack the sexual skill and finesse for enjoyable intercourse.” Fearful that women may change their minds, young men often rush into intercourse before women feel emotionally ready, and before their vaginas have become sufficiently relaxed, lubricated, and receptive for pain-free intercourse. Once erections enter young women, the men they’re attached to often imitate the piston-like action of pornography. Such mechanical, non-sensual sex can also cause pain.
Even if first intercourse is totally consensual and loving, sweet, and sensual, natural anxiety around their first time may interfere with women’s release of vaginal lubrication. Poorly lubricated intercourse also contributes to painful intercourse.
Residual hymenal tissue may also contribute to discomfort or pain, but for most women, hymen issues play no role in pain on first intercourse (unless the woman has an imperforate hymen that has not been reduced beforehand).
Some surgeons offer hymen restoration. Few women opt for this half-hour procedure. Those who do are often sexual assault survivors who want to feel “whole” again, or brides who fear their new husbands will know they’re not virgins—even though it’s nearly impossible for men to tell.
Finally, what about those bloody sheets? Rushed, nonsensual, poorly lubricated, pounding intercourse might abrade sensitive vaginal tissue enough to cause bleeding. But throughout history, in cultures that have insisted on female virginity at marriage, the stakes have been very high. No blood on the sheets deeply dishonored the bride’s family and sometimes brought charges of marital fraud. Many brides have taken no chances. Often under their mothers’ direction, they have filed a fingernail to a sharp point and on their wedding nights, cut themselves on the thigh, producing enough blood to stain the sheets, satisfy tradition, and perpetuate hymen mythology.
Michael Castleman publishes the Q&A site GreatSexGuidance.com.