Talk:Lulu (Final Fantasy)/GA1: Difference between revisions

* {{tq|Natsuki on the other hand enjoyed … and … preferred to play roles where she let other character's shine …}} — The contrasting adverb looks slightly out of place, as its point of reference is not identifiable from the context. In addition, the apostrophe after "character" should be left out. Still, even with these tweaks taken into account, I'd recommend a further rewrite. Something to the effect of: {{tq|For her part, Natsuki liked the subtle presence of Lulu in the game's plot, as she preferred projects which placed more emphasis on roles played by other actors, and felt that her character showed similar deference to her peers.}}.

 

 

* {{tq|... and when it came time to voice the scene she enjoyed working with the other voice actors …}} — The phrasing strikes me as excessively broad and overelaborate. A shorter rendition would help in streamlining the text, e.g.: {{tq|... and she was particularly fond of collaborating with her colleagues when voicing the scene.}}

* {{tq|As introduced in Square Enix's 2001 role playing game ''Final Fantasy X'' … Lulu is … an older sister figure to Yuna …}} — The preposition at the beginning appears to be uncalled for. Also, since Yuna gets her first mention in this sentence, consider describing her role in the storyline here before the next phrase comes into the picture.

 

 

* {{tq|Lulu had been romantically involved with, Chappu, and his death at the hands of the antagonist Sin prior to the game's events affected her greatly. She later falls in love with Wakka.}} — The comma ahead of "Chappu" looks redundant. On a further note, "his death … affected her greatly" sounds ambiguous and rather uninformative. Coupled with the short claim at the end of the para, this produces an awkward and jarring transition. The prose requires a few touch-ups to get rid of this flaw.

 

 

* {{tq|Portrayed by Nakamura Baishi, her designed …}} — Firstly, "designed" should be a noun instead of an adjective. Secondly, "portrayed" is somewhat of a dangling modifier as it does not relate to the immediate subject of discussion. I'd suggest moving this to earlier in the article: {{tq|In theatre, Lulu features in the ''Final Fantasy X'' kabuki stage adaptation, <b>portrayed by Nakamura Baishi.</b> As depicted in this production, Lulu sports a new appearance with a distinct Japanese aesthetic: her dress was replaced with a fur-lined kimono to match the theme of the play.}}.

* {{tq|In additional several figures were also produced … as part of a 2001 promotion with soda company Coca-Cola.}} — I assume that this is supposed to start with "in addition", as opposed to the current iteration. In a similar fashion, it may be a good idea to change "figures" to "figurines", which is more precise. As for the ending clause, what is "a 2001 promotion with Coca Cola"? Did they pair up with Square to do TV ads for the game, as they had done with ''Final Fantasy IX''? If so, the updated statement needs to reflect this.

 

 

 

* {{tq|Daniel Żelazny of PPE praised Lulu as having one of best female character outfits in gaming … and the overt and complex nature of it, calling it one of his better concepts …}} — A touch overlong. Trimming or splitting are valid solutions to this problem. Relatedly, who are we talking about with regard to "one of his better concepts"? Is it Nomura or someone else?

:: Ref 5 — The site's annotation says that this interview is originally from a special issue of the ''V-Jump'' magazine. Any chance that the info on the primary source can be cited here, as opposed to the translation website?

 

 

:: Refs 27 — The formatting scheme for does not follow the template of Refs 32 and 34. Consider reworking this to maintain consistency with those sources.